Caught between The Moon and New York City

Sometimes I wonder if  I am living  in a paradox or dichotomy?  I am not really sure.

The only thing  I am sure of is I am caught between something.  And I don’t know what that something is.

I was stunned  and speechless when I received  recent news  of a dear friend.  The first thing that came to my head was “What are you doing God?”  “Why is this happening again?…. Is this a cosmic joke you are playing? …but I really do not get your sense of humor!”

The situation bothered me a lot, not only I feel sad for my friend, it also  made me think of the issues I have been struggling with.  I know He is in control, but what is the point when He delivered you from a desperate situation, only to put you back in the same place again.

The struggle with me right now is—-

The longer I live, the less I know..

The more I know, the less I understand…

Just when I thought I had the answers, I got more questions…

I thought I had some stuff figured out, but then I realized I don’t…

Life is really confusing right now.  I thought at my age  I should know something about life.   Now  the only thing I know is that it does not come in a neat little package.   Life is complex, and it gets even more complicated when you live longer.

I feel like He is constantly playing some divine Hide and Seek with me.  I seek and He hides.  Sometimes the seeking becomes so exhaustive, and you wonder out lout “Where are you God?”

Once while I was in my pit, I had questioned God loudly, and someone told me that I shouldn’t.

” You are a leader” she pointed out, “and people are watching you, when you question,  you are showing that you are lack of faith !”

Huh? how does that work again??  let me see if I get this—If  I lead people then  I should not question God? Because I should have all the answers? hmmm…..  I really don’t get this logic.

I question God because I believe His sovereignty in my life, and I know ultimately He has the answer…..but whether or not He gives me the answers is  His provocative. There are things I will never quite get it.

So I have finally come to a conclusion that there are going to be many unanswered questions in my life, and I am ok with that.   For if I am able to explain God, and figure Him out, then He  really is not God.

I am ok for not knowing about everything…..but once in a while, I’d love for Him to show up some where.

This morning, I woke up to see a cloudy sky out of my windows.  It looked dark and gloomy, not exactly a day to look forward to.

As I drove down the hill, I could see clouds rolling in from the horizon, just as the weatherman had forecasted.

Out of the corner of my eye, on my left side, something caught my attention …. the clouds were slowly breaking away, and right there within the clouds without a doubt, I saw rays of sun light shining through.  It looked like the light was shinning down from heaven.

I see God this morning, amongst the clouds.

He is here, and that’s all I need to know.

“ The heavens declare the glory of God;
the skies proclaim the work of his hands.

² Day after day they pour forth speech;
night after night they display knowledge.

³ There is no speech or language
where their voice is not heard.

⁴ Their voice  goes out into all the earth,
their words to the ends of the world.
In the heavens he has pitched a tent for the sun,

⁵ which is like a bridegroom coming forth from his pavilion,
like a champion rejoicing to run his course.

⁶ It rises at one end of the heavens
and makes its circuit to the other;
nothing is hidden from its heat.”

Psalm 19 (NIV)