I make mistakes too….

I have been knitting a pair of lace socks with a very intricate pattern.  I took on this difficult pattern  because I thought it would help me improve my skills.  It is definitely something that is over my head.

I  finished the first one a while ago, and I felt really proud of myself for being able to “conquer” this difficult task, but then, I have lost the desire to finish the other one.  Some how the lure of the project no longer presents itself.

I have been sitting on this other sock for a long time, so finally I made myself promised not to start anything new until the pair is completed. You could say it is one of the monsters I have been fighting, and that is to finish whatever I start.  For two weeks,  I have been a good girl, working hard on it until this afternoon, when I only have the toes left to be completed.    Then  to my extreme horror, I found out that I have been using the wrong yarn.!  It is the right color, but the wrong yarn!!..It is so noticeable when I put it next to the other one.  You see,  I have balls of yarn sitting in my basket, and somehow I must have been confused and picked up the wrong one . The hard work from last two weeks are totally wasted !!  Sigh.  yes, a big sigh here.

Am I disappointed?  Yes,  but mind you disappointment has been my friend for a while, so a little set back like this really did not hurt my spirit. For a moment, I just sat there and giggled to myself.  I always preached that mistakes are to be made so we can learn from it.  Now that the shoe is my mouth, the medicine is a little too bitter to swallow.

But I have definitely learned some important things from this big “boo-boo”…

….  I learned not to be a cry baby when I fail, but to pick up the pieces and start all over again.

…I learned that procrastination really does not pay, it is my own stupid  fault that I have sat on this project for too long, and have forgotten the yarn I had used for the other one.

Also I learned that I need to pay attention to what I am doing.  If I had been more attentive, I would not have to pay such a big price.

Well definitely tonight I am a smarter woman because of these lessons…  “It was when I found out I could make mistakes that I knew I was on to something.”  ~Ornette Coleman

I should be grateful  that I have this opportunity to start all over again, I guess by the time I am finished with this sock, I will be really good at making lacy socks.

“God gives each of us chance after chance.” Job 33:29 (ESV)

Faithful One

I could not get this song out of my head, it has been playing all day in my head, since the first moment I opened my eyes. ….

It is so comforting to know that through the changes around us, God is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow.  His faithfulness is the only constant in our lives.  He is forever faithful, even though we are not.

“Faithful one, so unchanging
Ageless one, you?re my rock of peace
Lord of all I depend on you
I call out to you, again and again
I call out to you, again and again

You are my rock in times of trouble
you lift me up when I fall down
All through the storm
Your love is, the anchor
My hope is in You alone”

Faithful One ( Brian Doerksen)

Mysterious One

I have been taught that A+B=C

But at this point of my life, I could not fully agree with this any more.  Reality has proved that sometimes A and B do not necessary give you C, and even the C you get might not be the C you want.   Sounds confusing?  Yes, I am confused and bewildered.  Math has never been my strongest suit, and especially with God’s math.

I have been brought up to think that when you do certain things, behave certain ways, then you will be blessed.  But the truth of the matter is, you may do and act the way you are supposed to, things don’t necessary go smooth . So being blessed does not essentially mean that you will get all your ducks in a row. On the other hand, sometimes things may get rough…..to a point that is painful.

I know suffering has its purpose as I have read many books, dissertations, papers and listen to numerous messages on this topic.  To me, these are all our cerebral reasoning, we try to figure how God does His math, how certain things happen the way they do.   We try hard, study hard to come to some kind of principle or theology , so we can make God and His ways more acceptable to us. We try to figure out God, and if we are able to do that maybe that will help us feel better in sufferings. I know that all too well  in my head, but in my heart I cannot help but ask-

Why do bad things happen to godly people?

Why do God’s people who had experienced His goodness, all of a sudden turn against Him ?

Why do people believe God but refuse to have anything to do with Him?

Why does God closes a door, opens another one, and closes it again?

so many questions…and no answers……. but we need to ask ourselves and others hard questions  to shake us up a little and to wake us up from our complacency.

I was talking to another Christian about this….he looked at me with a worried look, he must have thought I am going through a crisis of faith of some sorts. But I assured him that he has no reason to worry about me. Throughout the years I have learned the different attributes of God, but there is one that I hardly know of and that is God as the Mysterious One— He is  unfathomable, and unexplainable.   I love to read mysteries but I always cheat……. I can hardly wait so I will flip to the last chapter of the book to find out the ending.   And in real life, we can not fast forward our lives”episdoes” like a DVD, nor jump ahead to read the last chapter.   The mystery can never be revealed  until the end of the journey.

I thought about this picture I took last year. It was very foggy that morning as I headed down the hill, the fog was so thick that I could hardly see in front of my headlights.  The drive down took longer than usual because of the poor visibility, I had to depend on the headlights to help me navigate the road.   Even though I could not see it, but the road was there, and I traveled slowly but surely to where I wanted to go.  Just as in life journey, even though we cannot see God, nor understand His ways, He is there leading us to our destination–safely and slowly.

Moses had his shares of ups and downs in his life, he had  his mountain-top experiences, and also the many struggles in the wilderness.  One day he was tired of all the uncertainties and questions of life, he had asked to see God”s face  in His glory and His power (Exodus 33;18).  This is my favorite part, it is what dramas are made of…….God said “you cannot see my face, for no one may see me and live.”  and then  in a cleft of rock on Mt. Sinai, in a mysterious and wonderful revelation, The Lord passed by Moses, “I will cause all my goodness to pass in front of you, and I will proclaim my name, the LORD, in your presence. I will have mercy on whom I will have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I will have compassion”….this is the mysterious God I am referring to.  We can not see His face, nor understand Him, but in the fogginess of  life, His goodness and mercy is around us, and His compassion and mercy is leading us on.

My brother is an intellect, after all he has a PhD in robotics.  He is the smartest person I know, and he has taught himself a couple of foreign languages.  And as long as I remember he has been trying to figure God out, and of course he cannot. And  I really don’t want him to, because the day he is able to solve this mystery, it will be day that I stop believing.

Some how, in some strange ways, I have peace and comfort in this Mystery.

What I got….what I need…..

I got this “thing”, and I am not sure what I should do with it.

I never thought  of this is a gift, but lately I am starting to think other wise.

I have been so conditioned by my church upbringing, that I could only see certain things are spiritual gifts from God, you know the teaching, preaching……all that good spiritual stuff. But the gift of gab….hmmmm…can that be a spiritual gift?

Growing up as a teen I had always been known for my sullenness— my family had complained about it, and my school mates had talked about it ( not to my face, but more so behind me).  So all along I just see myself as grumpy and through out my high school years, I only had a handful of friends.   When I was at university, I would run as soon as someone tried to strike up a conversation with me in the cafeteria.  So in addition to my aforementioned flaws, I was also a very anti-social being.

Somehow over the years, without my really understanding why and how, another person slowly emerges, it is not the same person I grew up with….  and somehow, I began to talk— lots, and lots….. and at times I was told by the fruit of my womb that I talk too much. But then, I heard one of them told her friend that “my mom can get a stranger’s life story in a matter of minutes.” I realized that it should be taken as a compliment and not necessary an insult.  So I finally figured, since this is not something that was natural , so it must be given to me by Someone….for certain reasons still unbeknown to me.

I have been living in this townhouse complex for over five years now, and I have made more friends here in this neighborhood than in  the old one  I had lived  in for over 15 years.    I know people in my complex, in the complex across and behind us, and a couple of families down the street and even two blocks away.   I could spent almost an hour on my walk with Jaden as I stop and talk to random people on the streets, and also…

…..I know most of the barista in the coffee shop down the hill, and we address each other by our first names…

…… I know  the  sales ladies in the  little shop right across from Save-on, and even the  cute Chinese grandma  in the corner grocery …..

There were times when I talked to people, I manage to make them cry….well, not intentionally, but I realize that at times I had touched on a nerve, a place where it has been hurting for quite a while…. and all they need is some empathy, and maybe a hug a long the way to help them ease the pain.

Yes,  this gift of gab must be given to me for a purpose…..as with any spiritual gifts, along with the ability there is also a responsibility. I am a little scare now, because as much as I like to talk and listen to the sound of my voice, I am not quite sure how God has intended me to  use it in fulfilling my destiny according to His plan.

I did ask for a gift once…. in my “youthful”  ignorance, I had wanted one of those gifts which I thought might  make me more spiritual.  That was at a time when this certain gift had been singled out as the most desirable one.  As a few people I know had asked for it.  I was at this new workers retreat about ten years ago and the speaker was the former president of our denomination.  He is a well-respected man and to me he is Moses-like —-a wise old sage, with wisdom-filled eyes, and a presence that would put fear in any one’s heart.   He spoke on the topic of spiritual gifts one afternoon and all of us should not be afraid to ask for them for our ministries.  So naively I went up and asked him if I should pray for this specific gift, which seemed to be the “gift of the century” at that moment.   He stared at me with a look which made me feel like a nine-year old,  and asked me why I would want something so controversial, and when he found out that I am a children minister,  he put me in my place and told me sternly ”  then you should ask for the gift of mercy.”

This is exactly what I need now, the gift of mercy, I need all the super power I could get to love the The Atheist, The Trouble and The Hard Rock in my life.  I need to be able to love beyond reasons, to a point it hurts me.   Love is never easy, if it had been easy He would not need to go to the cross.   I need this gift of His, because I cannot love unconditionally.   I never realized how fickle I am until recently, and God has reminded me through the tough circumstances in my life what I really need to ask for.

“If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask Him!” Matthew 7:11

“Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.” John 15:13

“…consider the soil…”

An old soul said this to me  the other day after I ranted incessantly about those tough cookies in my life……

” you have to consider the soil, sometimes it is better to move on to the ones which will produce…” so true, and so wise.

I don’t know how many tough cookies  I have come across  so far in my lifetime…. they are the  high maintenance; defiant; rebellious, obstinate,……….you know the ones I am talking about ?   I have seen how my coworkers have poured the hearts and souls into the lives of these people, constantly counseling them and holding their hands in their time of need,  only the moment they walk out of the offices, they return to their same old ways.    I have also experienced people who will consistently badger others just to get an agreement or approval of their views and they will not settle until they find someone who will stamp their cards.

What my friend meant was that we should not give up on these people, but then we need to know when  to stop and consider the condition of their hearts.  There are people whose heart is so hardened against God that there is not a lot we can do humanly, except to leave them in the hands of the One who makes all things possible, even to change the hearts of man.    I think this is where we err at times, when we think we are God and we can change and convict man. May be this is one of the reasons we get  frustrated and burnt  when we spent endless hours and energy on someone and we do not see changes forthcoming.   

The person who sows  is only responsible in planting the seeds in the soil, nothing more and nothing less.  Ultimately it is the Gardener who is the one who prepares and changes the conditions of the soil.   Not too long ago I had to deal with a soil that is so littered with rocks and pebbles that it is impossible to work with, and I could not help but feel a lot of guilt over the lack of response in this person’s reception of the Truth. I have to deal with rocks of self-pride, rebellion and critical spirit.  I felt spent to say the least and  it took a lot of struggle on my part to finally accept that in order for the seeds of truth to take root, thrive, and be productive, these rocks and pebbles have to be removed and be broken down.  This is the Gardener’s job, for He alone can do that, and over time just as seen in nature,  the rough conditions of life–trials and sufferings, will finally erode and break down these hard pieces.  

” Time will tell”, that is what another sow-er told me, he too is working with the same kind of soil. 

All I can do at this moment, is to trust that the Gardener is at work, and He will handle these rocks and pebbles in His time and His way.

Meanwhile, I pray that He will be merciful as He breaks and tilt this soil.

²⁶ I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. ²⁷ And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws.”  Ezekiel 36:26-27

“…. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.” John 15:5

Our God-Boxes

I was one of the workshop speakers at the conference last Saturday, afterwards a handful of  people had asked me how it went, and all I have to say is I did the best I could under the circumstances and the amount of time given.

The workshop was held in a fellowship hall,  and all the sofas had been moved to the side to make room for chairs.   As I began the session to share my experiences I saw a hand popped up out of my peripheral vision .  A young man who had been reclining comfortably on one of the sofas had requested I spoke up because he could not hear me.  I noticed even though most of the seats were taken, the front row was empty, so I asked him politely to move to one of the available seats so I did not have to yell and turned my back against the other side of the room.  It was a reasonable request, but the young man just shook his head and declined.  Apparently he preferred where he was sitting and he did not want to move.  Right then, I knew I had Trouble in the room.

After the workshop was over , a few people told me they found the material helpful.   That was good for me to know, as it was the purpose of the workshop.  Then Trouble sauntered up as I was talking to a lady, and he said ” That was good but I am really disappointed  because I expected you to talk about teaching  the kids how to  memorize verses, and you did not.  I am really disappointed in you.  The title of the workshop is so misleading.”

What can you say? I was tempted to ask him if he had  not noticed from the handbook that the title was “Large Group Teaching” and the  description of the workshop is to teach kids how to apply truth to their daily lives? Yes, that would have been a  good defense for me, instead I just thanked him for his comments and then he walked out the room, obviously not happy with my  response.

I mentioned this incident to one of my volunteers and she told me I should find him and clarify the situation. Did  I bother? no— for  I know that would be a waste of my time and his.  Because this young man had come with his own preconceived ideas and he was not about to accept anything else.

As I thought about this young man, I could not help but think of  the fact that these days  a lot of people have their own expectations and perceptions of the truth, and particularly who they think  God is.   It is like they have their own boxes, and they try to contain or fit God within  their frame of reference.   If the truth does not fit their boxes, then it must not be the truth.  Some how God has been made to  be something, or someone they can managed.

Recently I had an encounter with a young person over this issue.  As I questioned  in disagreement over her decision, she responded by telling me that she had spent the afternoon asking God how she ended up where she is and according to her, she had not found anything wrong with her choice as she  felt good about her decision.   This is exactly what I meant by containing God in our boxes.  When we limit how and when He responds to our inquiries, and when we let our emotions and feelings guide our decision-making…. yes, if we feel good about it, it must be okay.  We turn God into Santa Claus——the white-haired, gentle and agreeable old man whose mission is to grant us whatever we want and make us feel good about it.

There is this new term I discovered lately ( even though it has been used for a while), and it is the term “Christian Atheist”, it is used to describe people who believe God but will not take His standards.  They are the ones who believe God but will not take His church, believe God but will not take His ways.   To them God is someone trainable and manageable.   God is therefore one who is made up according to their own standards and expectations.  God is small and is a lesser god than them…. 

and this God is someone who will fit nicely in the palm of their hands.

 If you believe so, I hate tell you the truth, he is not a god, but your idol….

” ^33-36Have you ever come on anything quite like this extravagant generosity of God, this deep, deep wisdom? It’s way over our heads. We’ll never figure it out.

   Is there anyone around who can explain God?
   Anyone smart enough to tell him what to do?
   Anyone who has done him such a huge favor
      that God has to ask his advice?

   Everything comes from him;
   Everything happens through him;
   Everything ends up in him.
   Always glory! Always praise!
      Yes. Yes. Yes.”

Romans 11 ( The message)

 

You Alone are God

Today has been a long day, spent almost 8 hours at a conference.   I am tired but uplifted.  Not by the inspiring messages but by this one song.  A song that has touched me beyond words.  I am dedicating this song to my dear friend, I do not have the right words to say to you, but I pray this song will minister to you as it did for me.

“You are not a God created by human hands

You are not a God  dependant on any mortal man

You are not a God  in need of anything we can give

By Your plan, that’s just the way it is

You are God alone

From before time began You were on Your throne

You are God alone

And right now In the good times and bad

You were on the throne

You are God alone

You’re the only God

Whose power none can contend

You’re the only God

Whose name and praise will never end

You’re the only God

Who’s worthy of everything we can give

You are God

And that’s just the way it is

Unchangeable

Unshakable

Unstoppable

That’s what You are”

( Phillips, Craig and Dean)

Pinatas

The story is all too familiar:

The person finds himself in a dire situation, he cannot seem to see the end of the tunnel.  He prays earnestly for deliverance, a way out of his despair.  After a long wait and struggle to trust God when trusting is difficult,  he finally sees a glimmer of hope.  Hope lifted him high, and just when he is about to move on, all of a sudden, without any warnings, it happens again.  Another wave hit him from nowhere and once again finds himself in the same old place again.

This story happens often, to me and to people around me–just yesterday afternoon I got a call  from a very dear friend which left me  trying to come to grips with her sad news even now, her sobs still ring loudly in my ear….

I was talking to someone last week about my twisted theology , I told her  I feel  Christians are sort of like pinatas–sometimes God strung us high with hope and before you get too comfortable , your hope is smashed.  You are broken and have all these pieces to deal with.

I often wonder why God does that……. seven years ago when my father in law had a serious health crisis, the whole family prayed fervently, and just when we thought that God had healed him, he got taken away from us suddenly.  ” Why did God give us hope, only to take it away?”  That is the million dollar question, then and now.

It must sound like I think God is cruel.  I might have thought so when I was younger,  but as I get to know Him these past few decades, and from my experiences I know without a doubt that He is loving, gracious and merciful.  He is definitely not cruel,  just mysterious.

A pinata is just a pretty thing hanging up high to be admired.  It really is nothing until it gets smashed and then all the stuffing come pouring out.  I cannot help but see the similar truth in our lives.  All our so-called deeds, and outward accomplishments are only good to look at,  it is only when we are totally broken then our true character comes forth.  The real stuff that made us who we are.    Whether it is  treasure or garbage, it will all be revealed when the decorative frame is shredded and broken.

A kid is delighted when he smashes his pinata at his birthday party… so does God enjoy smashing us around?  I truly do not believe so. As a matter of fact I find it inconceivable. but it is one of those mysteries that will remain with me until I see Him face to face.

” When doubt is easy, and hope is incredibly hard, hope is still worth it”   This is the quote that has been seared in my heart.  Strangely I heard this at the end of a news story of the rescue of  the 33 Chileans miners.    God does speak to me in mysterious way.

There are so many things we cannot really control….our jobs, our marriages, our children, the economy, but there is one thing nobody can steal or rob from us, and that is our hope.

…. because we know that suffering produces perseverance; ⁴perseverance, character; and character, hope.  ( Romans 5:3-4)

and  “Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful” ( Hebrews 10:23)

Even though I don’t understand many things, I will still hold tightly  on to my Hope.

I love kids because…..

 

I love kids because they ask the most profound questions….and they make me realize I am not as smart as I think.

Two weeks ago a subsitute Sunday school teacher told me that she had to answer some really challenging questions from her Grade 4, for example;

“If you stop believing when you get to Heaven, will you get kick out?”  Now when you think about this for a second it is a  very deep and profound question, and I can see the wheels turning in the heads of  the theologians in our midst.

” If we don’t ask questions how can we learn.”  That is the reason one student gave. 

 This is so true….unless we ask questions our minds will never be stretched….and we will never grow.  

I think this is what it means when the Bible commands us in 2 Timothy 4:2 to” preach the Word; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke and encourage—with great patience and careful instruction.”  especially when you are working with kids you better have an answer ready for their questions. 

Indeed kids do hold us accountable for our growth and they keep us humble.  That is why Jesus told us that we need to become one of them inorder to enter the kingdom of God.  Dependence and Humility, they are two important aspects  of salvation.

I love how the author of The Catch put it,  according to him, the reasons why we need to emulate kids are:

 Kids don’t have to be right.

Kids will try anything.

Kids don’t care about their reputations.

Kids don’t care about skin color, nationality, religion or politics.

Kids can make mistakes.

Kids don’t hold grudges.

Kids forgive and forget.

Kids don’t keep score.

Kids can make friends with anybody.

Kids don’t know the value of money.

Kids don’t care what the trends are.

Kids trust, hope, and believe.

“I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.” (Matthew 18:3)

We all need to learn to be kids, be humble and dependent….and the world will be a better place.

family of mixed nuts

In his devotional of Sep. 14, Rick Warren talked about the religious fanatics he has observed over the years, they are the stereotypical types, the ones who are often made fun of and poked at by others, and here is how he described them–

Freddy the Pharisee: “ Rigid, narrow-minded, and legalistic, he has a rule for everything. His favorite word is “don’t.”

Billy Bible-thumper: “He’s an obnoxious and overzealous crusader. His favorite phrase is “Turn or burn!”

Pauline Praise-eluia: “She can’t speak without religious clichés. Everything is a miracle or the Devil did it. She’s put her brain on the shelf.”

Susie Self-righteous: “Holier-than-thou attitude and judgmental of others, her favorite phrase is “Thank God, I’m not like you!”

And I came up with few of my own–

Marly the “Me”–It is all about me, I want to be entertained all the time, if not, then there is something wrong with the church and the leaders.

Bart the “Boss“–He needs to be in control all the time, someone who needs to have the final say,  the Christian Donal Trump.

Sally the Shopper–the ultimate consumer, always looking for the best church program to attend. Worship at church A, and Sunday school at B

Bob the Builder- the hard worker, always at work building the kingdom of God or could it be  his own empire?

I can sit here and come up with different labels for the different types, but I am not being mean-spirited here, as this is not meant to be a joke on the expense of others, for all of us are capable of having one or more of these traits if we are not mindful. The reason is that all of us are not perfect.   I like what Charles Swindoll once said  ” There is no perfect church on earth, if there is one, it will no longer be perfect as soon as I walk in it”.    The reality is, it does not matter which church you choose to belong to, you will eventually find flaws.  For a church is made up of a group of people with different hangups, background and experiences, whether or not we like it or agree with it, we are all part of this “can” of mixed nuts and some of us are more “broken” than others.   But it is who we are together which made this “can” interesting and unique.  You will never be able to find another one on earth that is the exact mirror image of the one you belong to right now.  Even when we employ any well-known programs, we will never be able to duplicate another church.

A church is our spiritual family, we are all related to each other through the blood of Christ.   Our family might be dysfunctional in many ways, but never the less it is our family, the one who made us who we are.  We are all kind of nutty in our own ways, but the good news is God loves us regardless.  Other people might poke fun of us and come up with labels for us, but the most important one of all is the one we wear proudly–“child of God”.  The good news is even though we are not perfect, we are slowly being changed and transformed to His likeness.  It is a life time process, one that will take us to the other side of eternity.  Meanwhile as we are all thrown together in this can of mixed nuts, it is best for us to bear each other in love and remember each one of us is wearing this imaginary sign–

“Please be patient with me, God is not finished with me yet.”

^19-22That’s plain enough, isn’t it? You’re no longer wandering exiles. This kingdom of faith is now your home country. You’re no longer strangers or outsiders. You belong here, with as much right to the name Christian as anyone. God is building a home. He’s using us all—irrespective of how we got here—in what he is building. He used the apostles and prophets for the foundation. Now he’s using you, fitting you in brick by brick, stone by stone, with Christ Jesus as the cornerstone that holds all the parts together. We see it taking shape day after day—a holy temple built by God, all of us built into it, a temple in which God is quite at home.’ Ephesians 2 (the Message)